Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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