I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
