I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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