Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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