just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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