we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got inside last night via doggy door
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
