First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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