I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
handjob tips. give me some.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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