You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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