the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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