Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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