One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
