just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
