1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
