Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
