You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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