ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
