So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
