return my video game
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
