i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
