and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
