i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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