I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
