Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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