Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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