I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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