Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
