i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
