Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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