rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
