Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
