Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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