She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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