Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
