i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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