In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Michael Bay diarrhea
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
