Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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