Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
whose parrot is this?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
