Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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