Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
