I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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