There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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