the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drunk is not a location!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
