When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
