Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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