A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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