Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
