Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
