if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
