i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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