i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'd cum for enchiladas.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
