Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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