It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
