His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
