I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
