It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize