i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
