dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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