I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Two words: blizzard sex
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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