There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
