i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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